The Softpaw Must Be Contained

prozac

Its obvious to me when people who post about canaries in mines have never met a canary. Like yeah the miners had a special device to revive the canary because canaries are one of the most adorable creatures on the planet and they make adorable little chirping sounds and honestly probably loved the sounds of machinery and people talking so it was probably loud and friendly with the workers. Whatever though maybe meet a canary sometime and youd understand

prozac

If you see this animal every day at work, and it sings to you during your hardest bouts of labor, you will be distraught if it dies. Even if you know this creature is meant to die in lieu of you, you still hear it when the labor is at its hardest and your muscles are struggling against the weight of your work. It is so small, smaller than your soot-stained hands and louder than the death that follows you. You dont want it to die. The same as a woman does not want her candle to run out ; she knows that is the point, its flame is meant to burn the wick and melt the wax ; but she is not indifferent to its wasting away. She may even save her favorite candle as not to burn it too quickly. Now imagine you are that woman, and there is a way to rebuild your favorite candle that you love the smell of and the way it flickers. Would she rather throw her candle out? Or would she rebuild it? That is a canary to these miners. Would you allow an animal to just die when it has been singing for you? It reminds you that it is alive, and you are too. Its stop of song signifies the lethal danger you are in. Why abandon it? Is the miners' love for a little bird really that surprising?

is-the-owl-video-cute

Why does this read as though written by a coal miner of the era in which a canary was needed.

whatwwwwwww

Because time is an illusion and love is infinite

writing-prompt-s

All the Presidents of the United States are resurrected in the far future with their last memory being at the point of their death but in refreshed, youthful bodies. They’re dumped on a planet where they are told they must kill each other, Hunger Games style, until only one survivor remains…

fishareglorious

General consensus in the comments says Theodore Roosevelt will win. Though Lincoln and Andrew Jackson are close contenders too

howieduet

I think everyone is underestimating JFK. Man survived his PT boat being cut in half by a Japanese destroyer.

ruffboijuliaburnsides

Okay but that’s luck, not skill. Luck only gets you so far.

prismatic-bell

I mean my money is on Roosevelt getting into the top three but I feel like people are forgetting how many of our presidents have fought in battle.

Washington, John Adams the first, and Monroe were Revolutionary soldiers. Pierce was fucking terrible (literally he’s down there with Trump) but he was an officer in several key battles in the Mexican-American War. Buchanan was a private in the War of 1812, while Tyler was a captain. Andrew Johnson was a brigadier in the Civil War, Fillmore was an officer, and Hayes and Garfield were generals, while Grant was THE general. (Arthur was also a brigadier, but his duties were non-combatant related.) Benjamin Harrison was so good at his job he received multiple promotions, and the war was only four years long, so that’s really saying something. And while McKinley was breveted, he did serve. Those don’t even get into the famed trenches of WWI, where Truman held several commands as a colonel. Eisenhower fought in both world wars and was so highly decorated for meritorious service that his medals have their own Wikipedia article, and I hate saying this as much as you hate hearing it, but Reagan was in WWII too, as were Ford and Nixon. Beyond that we get far more into the kind of long-range warfare that didn’t involve much Hunger Games close-quarters-style combat, but the field is pretty crowded before we ever get there.

William Henry Harrison was a soldier for thirty-three years, and Taylor for an astonishing FORTY-ONE. Teddy was great, and I believe also did military service (I’d frankly be a bit stunned if he didn’t), but the field might be a lot closer than you think. My bets are split between Buchanan and Taylor, who was the one still in active service closest to his death.

Now in terms of who would go down first, I regret to say there’s not a doubt in my mind it would be Jimmy Carter, who does not deserve that fate. He’d try to mediate between everyone else to convince them diplomacy and working together would be best, and it’d end in him getting slaughtered because the man doesn’t have an asshole bone in his body. (I Love Jimmy Carter And You Should Too.) The #2 to go would be Dubya, who bought his way out of Vietnam, isn’t too bright, and also doesn’t know when to shut the fuck up and not stick his nose in things.

I actually think Trump wouldn’t be in the first ten to go, but not for the reasons you might think. It wouldn’t be savvy, but rather the absolute lack of it, that would “save” him, and when he died he’d WISH Abe had put an axe through his head. He’d be ignored while he sat there bloviating because other actual threats would be more present, and after that he’d be too lazy and unlikeable to form any alliances. He’d probably die of dehydration and exposure still sitting on his metal plate, bitching about how the gamemakers didn’t provide nukes.

My picks for bottom five: Carter and Dubya go first, followed by Cleveland, Bush I, and Pierce. If we assume “youthful, refreshed bodies” means everyone gets back the bodies they had at age 25, I’m afraid FDR would actually go before Pierce; he’s smart enough to get the fuck out of dodge and away from the cornucopia as fast as his chair will take him, but I don’t think it would take long for him to have to abandon the chair and go on foot (a thing he was very slow and unsteady at), or, failing that, the gamekeepers would quietly off him to avoid the taint of “he killed a guy in a wheelchair” for the victor.

Top five: Teddy, Lincoln, Buchanan, Taylor, and either Obama or Benjamin Harrison.

reasonandempathy

Look, you’re not wrong that the field is closer than people make it out to be, but they literally wrote a book about this.

I read it, of course.

Teddy and Lincoln are definitively top 2. Lincoln threw grown men across town with one hand for fun like Darth fucking Vader

And Teddy literally was making 20-mile hikes as a child with severe asthsma. In a day. His own beast of a man Father was winded by what they did together when they fucked off into the wilderness.

And then Teddy grew up and famously crushed spaniard skulls in the Spanish American war.

Presidents are fucking weird. Raegan had a stupid healing factor, for example. People assume Jackson was tough because of his name and mutton chops, but even the people who say that have no idea exactly how ridiculous he was.

And he’s the closest you get to those 2.

Comments are right.

reasonandempathy

to be clear, it wasn’t a room, it was a street.

And it wasn’t one man, it was a gang, whose leader explicitly sought him out because he was certain he could whup Lincoln’s ass.

TIFO Link.

Whatever the case, what apparently did happen rather quickly in the fight was Lincoln falling for whatever reason, then the giant of a man springing to his feet, grasping Armstrong, and lifting him clean above his head. In his best Hulk Hogan impression, he then slammed Armstrong to the ground as hard as he could.

Upon seeing their leader crumple to the floor in a daze, the Clary’s Grove Boys surrounded Lincoln.

Lincoln’s aforementioned law partner John Stuart, then states, “when it was evident that Lincoln was getting the better of their champion the whole Band pitched in and gave Lincoln several blows which had no very salutary effect on the strength of his legs.

He did it multiple times. It was literally his go-to; just yeet the fucker.

While it may seem wildly out of character to hear about Abraham Lincoln picking people up and manhandling them using his gigantic arms and freakish man-strength, this was far from out of character when reading about his youth from those who knew him at the time. And we have plenty of examples to back up this version of him. For example, when Lincoln ran for office in the Illinois General Assembly in 1832, at literally the first public speech he ever made in a small village called Pappsville, a fight broke out during which one of his supporters was struck and injured. Infuriated, Lincoln stepped down from the podium, briskly strode through the crowd, grabbed the attacker by the throat and pants, then, according to eyewitnesses, tossed him almost a dozen feet through the air.
It was at this point that, in a sequence of events that wouldn’t seem out of place at Wrestlemania, Lincoln barreled through the crowd, grabbed Grigsby from behind and suplexed him into the ground.
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